My Struggle with Major Depression, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, and Panic Disorder

Warning: I talk vaguely about my personal struggles with self-harm and suicide in this blog post. I have kept it vague for a reason. If these topics might be too much for you then please put yourself first and exit out of this blog post. Thank you

I think I began experiencing anxiety that was more than typical in the fifth grade. I remember because that is when we started playing sports in school and for clubs. I remember feeling like I needed the attention and validation of my peers. I began pushing the closest friend I had ever had away and spending more time with the girls who I thought were popular and would make me popular. I spent the summer before sixth grade doing absolutely nothing. Naturally, I gained a little weight. This is when the body image issues began to come into play. I continued to hang out with many different friends, but I was extremely self conscious. I remember waking up almost an hour and a half early for school, so I could make myself look like I had not tried to make myself look good at all. Does that make any sense?

The panic attacks started in 7th grade I think. I no longer hung out with many different friends, but instead had about four friends that I did everything with. This was typical for that age I think, except I became codependent on those friends. I started thinking of them as my safe people. I felt like I could do anything if I was with them. I felt like without them, I wasn’t capable of functioning. This was the beginning of my agoraphobia. Things took a dark turn pretty quickly after I started experiencing this agoraphobia. I started isolating myself from my family. I would stay locked in my room and was almost always sleeping whenever I was home. When I did come out of my room my mood was depressed and irritable. I hated my body and I hated myself. I secretly began to hurt myself.

At this point my struggles were obvious to my mom and she suggested we go see our family doctor. I was put on medication and started therapy, but things would only get worse before they got better. I started harming myself more often and in worse ways. My thoughts were darker and more persistent. I still hadn’t told any of my friends what I was struggling with. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be feeling the way I felt. I wanted to just get over it. I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did. I became so overwhelmed trying to balance these feelings, friendships, and schoolwork. I didn’t want to live anymore. It felt like too much. I truly wanted to die.

I was committed to an inpatient adolescent psychiatric unit for intense treatment. I met some amazing people and realized that I wasn’t alone in my struggles. It was there that I began my journey in DBT, which I believe is what truly saved my life. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. This form of therapy really helped me because it taught me to accept my feelings for what they were and also how to regulate intense emotions. Being able to talk things through with a group of people that were having similar feelings and experiences was very beneficial for me. When it was time for me to get released and go home I was so happy, but also scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle life on my own. It was only a few weeks before I was able to get into an outpatient treatment program that provided individual DBT therapy and group DBT therapy, but the in between time was rough.

Even after my time inpatient and during my outpatient therapy I was still struggling. I had quit doing things that I had once enjoyed, like playing volleyball and going to sleepovers with my friends. Leaving the house for school was a daily struggle. There were some mornings when I just laid in bed no matter what my parents did to get me up. Other mornings I had panic attacks and cried and begged my parents not to make me leave the house. I was terrified of going out in public and being around other people who might judge me. I even thought my friends were judging me behind my back.

My friends at the time tried so hard to do whatever I needed from them. Bless those girls. Unfortunately, I was self-sabotaging our friendships in order to try and protect myself. Things got messy between us. Our friendships eventually ended, which was very difficult for me. Looking back I know it was the best thing for all of us, but at the time I struggled with it. I lost my safe people at school. I felt like I had no one. I ended up being switched to half days in school and half online just to get through the remainder of the school year.

So at this point I was seeing a therapist individually, as well as doing two and a half hours of group therapy once a week. I realized I needed a change. I felt like the rough years I had would hang over me if I stayed where I was. I was ready to move forward, but I wasn’t sure that the people around me would see it the same way I was. So I decided to switch schools for my sophomore year. It was a difficult transition and it took me a little bit of time to find my place, but I was lucky enough to make some great friends as I did so. It felt like there was a certain weight lifted off my shoulders because they didn’t know about my past struggles. Eventually I was able to open up to them, but it was nice to establish a friendship that didn’t revolve around my mental illness.

The last time I intentionally harmed myself was sophomore year of high school. The last time I felt like I wanted to die was sophomore year of high school. There were a lot of last times my sophomore year of high school, but there were a lot of firsts for me too. It was the first time I made a life changing decision completely on my own, the first time I made friends on my own, etc. It was the first year that followed the darkest time in my life. I learned how to be a person again. In my darkest moments I never thought I would get to sophomore year of high school, but I’m so thankful I did.

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I plan to post more in depth about my personal struggles with mental illness. If there is anything you would specifically like to hear about or any questions you have please let me know! Thanks for reading!