What Has Generalized Anxiety Been Like For Me?

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety many years ago. I am currently still diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and it is possible that I will be for the rest of my life. So what has my experience with Generalized Anxiety been like? Well, like most people who find themselves with this diagnosis it started off slow and progressively got worse.

Anxiety was the first form of mental illness that I ever experienced. It started when I was in middle school. I was very worried about who I was friends with, what I looked like, and whether or not people liked me. I know you’re thinking that’s pretty typical stuff for a middle school girl to worry about – and it is. I was also worried about other typical things, like my grades and whether or not I was going to make the club volleyball team. However, slowly these worries began to take over my life.

I became obsessed with what other people thought of me, even people that I didn’t know. I thought everyone had to like me and if someone didn’t like me I was deeply hurt. I also thought that people were always looking at me and talking about me behind my back. When I was doing things I would always be considering what other people were going to think of me for doing them. For example, I only participated the bare minimum in gym class because I was afraid my classmates would think I was trying too hard or looked funny.

I experienced many physical symptoms of anxiety. For example, I began to have trouble sleeping, even though I was waking up very early to get ready for school. I would wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there thinking about all the things I had done or said during the day and wonder what people thought about those things. I also began to have stomach issues. When I was really anxious, like when I knew I had a big test or social event or something, I would get very light headed and throw up. This would also happen in the mornings before school. On days that I was very anxious before school I began to experience panic attacks. This led to me being diagnosed with panic disorder, but that’s a story for another post.

When I had a panic attack I felt absolutely helpless. My chest would get tight and it would become harder for me to breathe. I was unable to focus on anything around me and couldn’t hold conversations. Often times I would end up crying uncontrollably and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. I would just cry until I got so tired that I fell asleep. In those moments I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own body and thoughts. In order to regain some control in my life I began to harm myself in different ways. I thought this was something I would be able to control, but it ended up becoming another anxiety inducing thing in my life that slowly got out of hand.

Learning to live with anxiety has been a long journey that I am actually still on. I have made a lot of progress compared to where I used to be, but I still have a lot left to learn. I’m still taking daily anxiety medication and seeing my therapist at least once a month. I also do a lot of things on my own that help me manage my anxiety. It’s important to me that you understand that just because I’m in a much better place than I was, does not mean my anxiety has miraculously disappeared. It is still something I deal with on an everyday basis – I’m just much better at it now. I’m still making progress though.