Do I Still Struggle with Depression?

Oh boy, this is a loaded question! The short answer is yes. The long answer involves an updated diagnosis that I’m not quite ready to share. I am willing to share how I know I’m depressed, what depression looks like for me, and how I get through depression. 

So how do I know I’m depressed? I check in with myself. I’m able to identify signs that tell me I’m spiraling towards depression or am already in a depressed state. For example; I sleep more, I eat less, I become more irritable – a lot more irritable, I stop wanting to do the things I enjoy doing, and I start dreading when I have to get out of bed. These signs tell me I need to slow down and figure out what’s going on in my head. I usually bring these signs to my therapist and explain to her how I’ve been feeling. Together we figure out if I’m heading towards a depressed state or already in a depressed state. 

What does depression look like for me? It might vary a little, but typically my symptoms are the same. I become very tired mentally and physically, so I spend a lot of time sleeping. When I’m in a depressed state I’m typically getting upwards of nine hours a night, plus naps. This might sound great to some people, but it’s not healthy for me. My appetite also changes when I’m depressed. There might be some days the only meal I eat is breakfast. I stop wanting to talk to people and find even a simple conversation with my family members difficult. This presents real problems because I live with my family. It doesn’t take much to irritate me when I’m in this state and my family members definitely get the brunt of that irritation. My patience level also lowers, which is difficult because I work with kids where patience is needed everyday. Another way I can tell I’m depressed is because I stop wanting to do things like walk my dog, play with my dog, play volleyball with my friends, etc. I even get to the point that I start to dread doing those things that I normally love to do. Another unfortunate symptom of being depressed is that I start dreading going to work. For those of you that know me you know that this is a very big deal, because I love both my jobs very much and I’m so thankful I get to work with the people I do. I also experience more hair loss and memory loss during the times I am depressed. 

How do I get through depression? Honestly, it’s hard. I typically start off in denial that I’m depressed again, which only makes the process more difficult and long. I rely heavily on my therapist and my family during these times. My family makes sure I’m still going to work and getting out of the house. They also make sure I don’t spend my weekends in bed. My therapist gives me assignments to help get me back on track, like journaling, deep breathing, etc. I also rely on my friends – specifically my best friend who texts me at least once a week to check in with me even when I don’t answer her for hours. I push myself to continue doing the small things, like getting out of bed and getting dressed. This eventually leads to me doing the bigger things, like walking my dog and playing volleyball with my friends. Sometimes I cry, because it’s hard to get through depression. I always manage it somehow, so I know if I need to I can manage it again, but it’s still hard. It still makes me want to curl up in bed and sleep for days on end. 

So there’s the short version of what depression looks like for me. Some people go to therapy or get on medication and never experience depression again. Other people, like me, experience depression multiple times in their lives. It’s important that we recognize that we can never truly understand what a person is going through, but we can try. I hope this helps you understand just a little bit better.